Game of Drones
by Red Witch
Summary: Mallory gets extremely annoyed when Krieger orders some drones online and decides to test them out at the office.


**Somehow the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters got blown up. Gee I wonder who did that? Just more madness from my mind which ties into the story Spies Got Mail. I mean what exactly does the gang do when there are no missions? A lot of crazy stuff apparently.**

 **Game of Drones **

"Bills…Bills…Bills…" Mallory went through a huge pile of mail on her desk. "And a letter from my old friend Bill…Oh wait. It's not a letter. It's a bill. From Bill. Damn it. What kind of wine connoisseur doesn't scotch guard his carpet?"

"Here's more mail," Lana walked in with a few envelopes.

" _ **More**_ mail?" Mallory groaned. "I'm still working on the mountain you gave me yesterday!"

"Yeah. Mail tends to come at least five or six times a week," Lana told her wryly.

"Just put it on the pile," Mallory sighed, too discouraged to make a retort. "Ugh. I really should have done this sooner. Speaking of doing things it's been unusually quiet all day. Where is everyone? Unless they've snuck off to Branson again…"

"Everyone is kind of busy reading and sorting the backlog of mail…" Lana explained. "Now that I think about it, outside of missions it it's the most work we've done in months."

"We almost had some more work…" Mallory admitted with a sigh as she reached for her drink. "Then the CIA realized that we are **still** banned from Canada."

"I don't even want to know what they wanted us to do there," Lana groaned.

"Something to do with Quebec separatists," Mallory told her.

"And then they realized that we had already been there and done that," Lana put it together. "With Nova Scotians."

"Exactly," Mallory groaned as she took a drink. "I got a fifteen minute lecture about taking our work seriously and something something…I wasn't really paying attention. As well as a brief recap about **everything** that happened in Canada and why we're still banned in that country."

"You mean apart from the incident with the escaped Quebec terrorist, the shootout with the Royal Canadian Mounted police and the escaped ocelot on the train?" Lana asked.

"Yes," Mallory growled. "He then went on about the incident in Montreal with the hotel fire and the shoot-out in the lobby. The time Sterling disrupted some kind of snowmobile race in Saskatoon. Putting a bra and a funny hat on some statue of a war hero nobody outside of Canada knows about. The oil pipeline he blew up in Alberta which he was supposed to be protecting. The disturbance he made in that casino in Montreal where Ron had to go pick him up!"

"Don't forget the time Archer was so plastered he went to the wrong hotel room and thought the Prime Minister's wife was a hooker," Lana added.

"How could I **forget?** " Mallory waved a piece of paper. "They're still sending me bills for damages! Yeah, like I'm going to pay them anytime soon! Good luck with that! Why can't they just hit up their damn socialist government for money? It pays for everything else in that country!"

"Speaking of government payouts…" Lana began. "Mallory we really need to talk about..."

Just then a buzzing sound was heard. "What the hell…?" Lana blinked.

Something black and mechanical zoomed into the room. "AAAAAH!" Mallory shouted. "What the hell? Did Milton have a baby or…?"

"Apparently Krieger ordered a few drones online and…" Lana sighed recognizing what it was.

"Say no more…" Mallory sighed.

Then three more drones buzzed in. "Do drones multiply?" Mallory shouted in rage as they zoomed around the room.

"Shoo! Shoo!" Lana tried to push them away. "KRIEGER!"

"AAAHHH!" Mallory dove under her desk as the drones buzzed her.

She then pulled out her gun from her purse. "DIE YOU UNHOLY MACHINE BASTARDS!" Mallory shot at the drones. "Stupid robot uprising! I hate it when Sterling is **right** about things!"

"I don't think the drones are doing this themselves," Lana ducked from both the drones and the bullets. "Mallory! Watch it!"

"DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!" Mallory shot. Three of the drones buzzed out of the room. One drone was hit by the bullets and crashed onto the floor.

"Can't have anything nice around here," Mallory growled.

"I'll talk to Krieger…" Lana sighed.

"Oh no! **I** will have some words with Krieger!" Mallory cocked her weapon. Before she left she shot the drone twice for good measure.

Meanwhile in the satellite control room...

"Aw man!" Krieger groaned. "She shot my drone!"

"YES! I'm the winner!" Archer crowed as he worked at a control panel with Ray and Cyril.

"You are so not the winner!" Ray snapped. "The race isn't over yet! And I am gonna beat you!"

"Not if I do this!" Archer worked at the controls.

"Hey! Hey! Stop trying to make me crash!" Ray snapped.

"HA HA HA!" Archer laughed.

"Archer! Cut it out! You're gonna make us both…" Ray snapped.

CRASH! SMASH!

"Crash…" Ray groaned.

"SEE YA SUCKERS!" Cyril cackled as his drone flew into the lab. "I WIN!"

"Way to go Ray!" Archer snapped.

"What did I do? You flew into **me** you asshole!" Ray snapped.

"Ha! HA! You lost! I won! I beat Archer! Oh yeah!" Cyril jumped up and did a dance. "Winner, winner chicken dinner! Who's the man? Who's the…?"

He then saw Mallory and Lana looking at them. "Hello…" Cyril gulped as he stopped dancing.

"Hello Mother…" Archer gulped. "Uh we were just testing the effectiveness of Krieger's drones. To see how well they would hold up on missions."

"Are you **boys** finished playing with your **toys**?" Mallory hissed. "Because there's a mess in my office!"

"How did you manage to get classified drones Krieger?" Lana asked.

"They're not classified," Krieger said. "I got them from a bookstore online."

"They're selling **drones** online from **bookstores**?" Mallory was stunned. "Great. What's next? Maybe the next time I go to the grocery store I can pick up some ammo!"

"That would be convenient for us wouldn't it?" Archer remarked.

"If you had to play with something mechanical couldn't you just play with Gillette?" Mallory asked. "Sterling if you say phrasing I will **shoot** you!"

"Uh I think I'll let **that one** slide," Archer coughed nervously.

"But think of the possibilities!" Krieger protested.

"I am. The possible lawsuits," Lana groaned. "Please tell me you aren't already using some other drones to spy on people."

"Why are you worried they'll take your job away?" Krieger asked. "Well it is a valid question."

"As tempting as it is to replace all of you with something that doesn't talk back and actually does **some work** around here…" Mallory growled. "I want all of your drones grounded."

"Well the remaining ones that haven't already been destroyed," Lana amended.

"Not all the drones are mine," Krieger said.

"What do you…?" Mallory began. "And even as I asked the question…"

"DA! DA DA DA DA!" Pam was heard singing out as a drone flew by the door. Followed by another drone. _"Highway to the Danger Zone!"_

"That's my line!" Archer shouted.

"Oh my god! This is so cool!" Cheryl giggled as she and Pam ran by with remote controls. "Hey I wonder if I could attach a flamethrower on this thing?"

"I'm not running a spy agency…" Mallory groaned as she slunk back to her office. "I'm running a **day care!"**


End file.
